As a Muslim, I am of course guided and reminded by the dictates of my faith as I narrate my experience and my take on it. But I’m sure that other faiths, too, have similar strands of thoughts and perspectives to guide their followers in dealing with the travails and vicissitudes – the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes that we mortals are often subject to.
I am starkly aware about His exhortations to share glad tidings with others, for sharing is caring. The Quran reminds us:
“By Time. Indeed man is in loss, except those who have faith and do righteous deeds, and enjoin one another to follow the truth, and enjoin one another to patience.” (Surah Al-Asr)
About three weeks ago, I suffered a suffocating and sudden loss of breath, and excruciating pain in my chest and stomach. I had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency treatment.
I was immediately warded and stayed in hospital for 11 days under intense observation, undergoing diagnostic tests, examinations and treatment. No fewer than seven health specialists were treating me.
Eventually, they diagnosed me as suffering from an acute lung infection and diabetes. My right lung had taken in a lot of water, not only preventing oxygen flow but also causing it to partially collapse. About three litres of water were drained out.
I have since been discharged but have to go through a strict follow-up treatment regime, complete with physiotherapy, dieting and medication. The recovery process may be slow as I have other challenging health issues that need to be addressed as well. For now, the focus is to recover the 11kg of weight that I lost over the last few weeks.
What I went through was nothing extraordinary or exceptional. It was actually quite a mundane and routine experience, which many others have gone through as well, some of greater and others of lesser intensity.
What I wish to share here is my personal experience as I lay in bed, in the deep sleep induced by medication.
Reflections on life
As I slept, and on a journey to nowhere or perhaps everywhere, I saw images and things, many of which I could not understand. For a long time over many days, I was in a dream world. I didn’t know what was happening around me, yet I was painfully aware that my close family members were by my side, faithful as always.
My mind seemed fully awake and alert. I did not know whether what I experienced was real, or whether I was suffering the wild imaginations and hallucinations of a fatigued body and mind, induced by heavy dosages of medication.
Nevertheless, it forced me to ask many questions, the most important of which was whether my end was near. Had the time come for me to die and go, for good? Was it time to say good-bye and bid farewell to this world?
It was like I was in a zone between life and death. I was frightened about facing my time of reckoning. Not so much about facing death, but about whether I had sufficiently prepared myself to meet my creator and account for all my deeds in this world.
The Quran gives a stark reminder: And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient. Who, when disaster strikes them, say, ‘Indeed we belong to Allah and indeed to Him we will return.'” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:155-156)
I started to reflect critically on my life. Had I done enough to be His worthy servant, faithfully discharging my duties to Him and all to whom I am beholden or owe a duty of care? I remember well His exhortations to be mindful of my duties to Him and others, including my fellow mankind. The twin relationships of Hablum Minaallah (relationship with God) and Hablum Minaanas (relationship with mankind) are the gist and compendium of the teachings of my Islamic faith.
Had I been faithful and resolute in my stand to enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong? Had I shown enough goodness and kindness to my fellow mankind to leave a positive impact on the lives of others and some imprint of beautiful memory in their minds?
These were the questions that ran through my mind as I contemplated death. I became painfully aware that I had committed many sins and wrongs against Him and against my fellow mankind. And I might not have shown enough goodness and kindness to others to deserve His reprieve. On reflection, I might have been too arrogant, selfish, self-centred and egoistic in my ways to realise the folly and error of my ways.
And it dawned on me that in the state I was in, I might not have the chance to apologise and to say sorry to all the people I had wronged before.
The truth of what my ustazs had been teaching me all this while became abundantly clear to me: that if a dead man is given a chance to live again, he would redeem himself by thinking less of himself and more of God and others.
No fear or sadness
As I move forward to face an uncertain future, I am now less fearful and afraid. While I do not know what lies ahead, I know that as long as my heart continues to beat, I still have the time and opportunity to do good and be kind to people. It’s like a road to redemption which I intend to make full and good use of.
Nor will I allow myself to feel sad or wallow in self-pity, as long as I live and breathe by Him every step of the way. I remind myself of Persian poet Jallauddin Rumi who said: “Don’t be sad! Because God sends hope in the most desperate moments. Don’t forget, the heaviest rain comes out of the darkest clouds.”
For my younger readers who are still searching for the meaning and purpose of life, it would be good to remember Prophet Muhammad’s advice:
“Take benefit of five before five:
- Your youth before your old age,
- your health before your sickness,
- your wealth before your poverty,
- your free time before you are preoccupied, and
- your life before your death.” (Hadis Saheh Al Hakim)
Faith and convictions
You do not need to go through a debilitating experience as I did to realise these profound lessons. You do not need to wait until you reach dead end to be aware of the potent lessons of life. Do good and be kind to all others around you – now! We can never be sure whether we will be given a second chance to redeem ourselves.
To Muslims and non-Muslims alike, in the context of the New Malaysia, let me conclude with Prophet Muhammad’s last sermon, wherein among others he said: “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.”
All Malaysians are our brothers and sisters. We need to walk hand in hand with each other to shape our collective destiny: a greater and safer Malaysia.
Wan Haron Wan Hassan is a senior practising lawyer, active in civil society movements.
The views expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of FMT.