Sarah (not her real name) is 25 and has had issues with her weight and self-esteem since primary school. She was the typical, awkward preteen: chubby with braces, glasses and acne; painfully shy and self-conscious.
When she was in her early teens, she was home one day watching a talk show on eating disorders and listened intently as one girl described how she made herself sick.
A lightbulb went off in Sarah’s head. She made her way to the bathroom, pulled her hair back into a ponytail, knelt over the toilet, and made herself throw up.
She thought she would only do it once in a while but, like any addiction, it became her life.
Initially the pattern was sporadic, but when she was 22, bulimia gained control over her. She had just graduated from university and was expected to get a job. A boyfriend had also broken up with her. She was terrified, feeling rejected and worthless.
She began to lose weight. Her friends and family kept telling her how great she looked, but she couldn’t see it.
Sarah had so many overwhelming emotions at this time and no idea what to do with them. Bingeing and purging was a temporary release for her, although she realises now that each bulimic episode only intensified her feelings of low self-worth and esteem.
Sarah often scared herself with the intensity of her abusive actions. She considers herself a very loving, caring person that would never inflict harm on anyone, yet she was certainly capable of inflicting harm on herself.
Things began to change after two important things happened. One was that her mother stumbled upon her condition. The second was that she met someone who has been supportive and affirmative throughout her entire journey.
She had heart-to-heart talks with her parents, sister and now fiancée, and explored several therapists and support groups before finding a good fit. She worked with a good dietician who helped her to rediscover the importance of food.
Sarah had intense sessions with a counsellor who assisted her in confronting her issues. There were days when she felt on top of the world: in control, healthy and happy. But she also had days where she hit rock bottom.
Gradually the time between bulimic episodes increased. Last July, she had an opportunity to make a big life change, and she left the hectic rush of Kuala Lumpur to move to the small town where her fiancée lives. She accepted a job that allows her to work four days a week.
Finally, Sarah has started to make time for herself. She has learnt the importance of self-care and begun to let go of self-abuse.
Today she is entering a year of recovery. This might not sound like a big deal, but to her it is her greatest accomplishment, the longest clean stretch she has ever had. Although she still has far to go, this is the first time she has ever felt hope.
Sarah has learnt much from her battle with bulimia. She has discovered own personal strength, which is greater than she ever could have realised.
She has also learnt the importance of a healthy lifestyle. These days she eats nutritious, well-balanced meals and incorporates healthy exercise into her day.
Sarah is sharing her experience as she is proud of discovering herself through her struggle, and her greatest hope is that others will never have to work through an eating disorder to discover who they are.
TELEME Healing Life Stories is a collection of inspirational stories of how ordinary people triumph over their health conditions and recover to lead a healthier life after that. Feel free to email [email protected] to share your story.
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