When she was first diagnosed with HIV at age 23, Caroline struggled with fear, shame and isolation. Picking up a paintbrush, however, allowed her to find new purpose.
Now, the bubbly Petaling Jaya-born visual abstract artist and teacher is planning her first solo exhibition, which she hopes will empower and support other women living with HIV.
“Art has allowed me to express myself. Without it, I wouldn’t have the courage to back up the messages I wish to relay to the world. It really has the power to change lives,” the now 45-year-old told FMT Lifestyle.
She shared that she was enamored with art from an early age: one of her earliest memories revolves around painting on the walls of her family home as a child!
“Another time, I drew on the inside of my mum’s car. I got the whacking of my life! Then I told my mother I just wanted to make her car beautiful, and she felt terrible about it,” Caroline recalled with a laugh.
Fortunately, she moved on from vandalism to more conventional forms of creativity, honing her skills under the tutelage of a man she called “Uncle Chris”.
Despite working various jobs over the years, she always found herself returning to art and finding true purpose in teaching others how to create.
Then, 22 years ago, life took an unexpected turn. What began as a doctor’s visit for a skin rash ended with a life-changing diagnosis: Caroline discovered she was HIV+.
“It was a shock. It felt like my wings had suddenly been clipped. I didn’t understand how this could happen to me,” she said.
For about 10 years, the artist struggled with depression, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide. Fortunately, her art kept her alive, and eventually inspired her to draw on her experience to help others.
“It was difficult trying to change some of my mindset. As someone with HIV, you condition yourself to accept less. You feel you’re tainted, you’re sampah masyarakat, that you should just be content with what people give you.
“But that’s not true,” Caroline stressed. “For so long, I was afraid of showing people who I was, disclosing my diagnosis. That was a scary thing. But I knew that had to change.”
Today, she is motivated to be a voice for people with HIV. According to her, there are very few resources online to help women with the disease, which is why she hopes to someday lead support groups or initiatives that tackle the issue.
“We need to promote advocacy and empowerment – and create affordable HIV testing for everyone. There is power when women band together to make change,” Caroline said.
She is currently planning her first solo exhibition, “The Unsung Voices: Women Living with HIV”, to be held from Dec 5-9. Part of the proceeds from sales of her works will be donated to charity.
The exhibition will feature 19 mixed-media paintings, each representing one of the emotional stages she underwent since receiving her diagnosis. Her art features various women of colour – representing how the disease can affect anyone – and contains allusions to major events in her life.
The exhibition is dedicated to Caroline’s late parents. “My mother always supported me and encouraged me to give my best. She gave me art lessons, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her love. My father was there with me for all my doctor’s appointments. He never missed one.”
Everyone is invited, and she hopes visitors to the exhibition will look beyond the paintings to the stories of resilience, courage and healing that inspired each brushstroke.
“There’s been a lot of pain through this journey, but also a lot of empowerment and enlightenment at the end. Hopefully something in this exhibition, or in my words, will touch people, especially women who might be going through similar journeys,” Caroline concluded.
Follow Caroline Rajan on Instagram.
‘The Unsung Voices: Women Living with HIV’
When: Dec 5-9
Where:
Temu House
49, Jalan 16/9e, Seksyen 16,
46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor