Anger is a volatile and destructive emotion. Many people carry it like it’s part of their identity, wearing it like a self-enhancing booster, an emblem of power, a natural part of being human.
Rahmat (not his real name) used to, as well, until three years ago when he made the decision to let go of anger and not let it rule his life.
When he’s aware of it, he tries not to let his temper affect his decisions. He strives to work through the different layers of his anger, understand its roots and deal with it.
There are many triggers for anger, including:
- relationship conflicts
- family problems
- financial struggles
- memories of negative events
- problems at work
- situations such as traffic, accidents, cancelled plans or running late.
Rahmat’s parents would argue all the time when he was young. He recalls a lot of shouting and negative emotions being hurled from one parent to the other. As a child watching this unfold, he felt deeply crushed.
He wasn’t aware of it then, but as he was constantly in the presence of people arguing, their angst and negativity rubbed off on him.
With the help of counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy, he learnt anger is a normal emotion that tells him something is wrong. Everyone feels angry from time to time. It can lead to positive change if expressed in a useful and constructive way.
Anger, to Rahmat, is a sign that he needs to take constructive action. It can motivate him to make positive changes and push him to solve problems, as well as help him to stand up for himself and others.
Anger management is about problem solving, understanding how it affects a person, and building the skills necessary to control it. There are three main ways to manage anger:
1. Relax and laugh
Learning to relax helps a person to remain calm, as one cannot be relaxed and angry at the same time.
It is also difficult to be angry when one is laughing. Making an effort to see the humour in things, even frustrating events, can help combat an automatic enraged reaction.
2. Have empathy
You may get angry when you think of another person’s behaviour towards you, but how someone acts often has nothing to do with you at all.
Take a moment to consider that another person might be going through a challenging time. This can help you gain empathy and keep your temper in check.
3. Solve the problem
Rather than taking out your feelings on those around you, use them as motivation to devise solutions to the problems that caused the anger in the first place.
Goal-setting and problem-solving are skills that can be cultivated out of frustration and aggravation.
Rahmat is sharing his story to demonstrate that there are ways not to let your anger define you. Focus on improving a valued relationship, maintaining self-respect, solving a problem, making a request, communicating feelings, and showing mutual understanding.
He recommends learning assertive communication skills. Being assertive does not mean behaving aggressively to get one’s own way; rather, it is about respecting oneself and others, and learning how to express feelings honestly and with care.
TELEME Healing Life Stories is a collection of inspirational stories of how ordinary people triumph over their health conditions and recover to lead a healthier life after that. Feel free to email [email protected] to share your story.
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