After losing his father during the pandemic, Frankie (not his real name) spent time talking with a counsellor to deal with his grief and loss.

He learnt that the traditional five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – originally proposed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – have since been reworked to 11 stages:

• Numbness, hysteria, denial, protest and shock
• Role confusion
• Distraction, depression and detachment
• Fear and anxiety
• Anger, rage and despair
• Regret, guilt and shame
• Sadness
• Forgiveness
• Re-patterning, calibration and integration
• Resolution
• Grace

Grief is like a fingerprint as no two people experience it the same way. There is no “normal” way to process grief.

Before he lost his father, Frankie felt stuck whenever he thought about the future. It was difficult to make any major plans given that he did not know when his father would pass.

He wondered how the family dynamic would change and what get-togethers would be like. His mother fretted about the finances and house maintenance, issues that her husband had handled for many years.

Both of them wondered who they would be without their father and husband.

Holding on to a few pieces of clothing or a voicemail from the deceased is not unusual. But be careful of keeping the grief, instead of the memories, alive.

Frankie found himself being overprotective of his father’s things, like a walking stick he had used to climb Mount Fuji, as well as photographs of them together. He clings to these items dearly.

Others may not wish to see objects or images of the deceased as they might be too painful to bear. Placing a few items in a special box and keeping it in a safe place will allow the bereaved, when they are ready, to spend time with the items and cherish memories of their loved one.

When a loved one suffers over a long period, it is not uncommon to experience relief when they finally move on. A caregiver attending to a person’s needs may be thankful when it is over and experience a sense of freedom.

And yet, it could be difficult to share these emotions with others.

In the same way one tries to put on a brave face when confronted with trauma, one might avoid telling the truth about what a loss really means. Instead, one might try to balance mourning – putting on a front to fulfil societal expectations of someone in mourning – with the desire for healing.

Remember that grief can be both a big and small moment simultaneously. Frankie learnt to take better care of himself after watching his father suffer during his final few days.

There are many gifts that come from grief, he says, and one can pay these forward.

His parting advice is to stay true to oneself as grief is different for everyone. Writing down or sharing their thoughts with others will help the bereaved move through the phases of grief more easily.

TELEME Healing Life Stories is a collection of inspirational stories of how ordinary people triumph over their health conditions and recover to lead a healthier life after that. Feel free to email [email protected] to share your story.

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