You’ve just started a relationship and everything is going swimmingly. Your partner even goes so far as to plan future projects with you, such as travel, a wedding – or even having children.
Then, one day, there’s no news, and you find yourself ghosted overnight. You may have been a victim of “future faking”.
Future faking “is a bonding technique used in romantic relationships where a detailed vision of the future is outlined in order to expedite connection”, therapist Kara Kays told Men’s Health.
Once the partner is on board, the person adopts problematic behaviours and becomes distant, leaving the other in relationship limbo.
This technique is generally used at the start of a relationship and is often practised by narcissistic people. Narcissism is a personality disorder that typically makes people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a feeling of superiority that can lead them to put others down in order to build themselves up.
In love, it’s not uncommon for these individuals to adopt strategies to manipulate their partners. When they enter a new relationship, their attitude is beyond reproach; they might shower you with gifts, show unrivalled affection, and promise you the world with a future full of dreams.
Future faking can make you feel like you’re living a fairytale – but the narcissist will quickly show their true colours. At first, they’ll stop investing in the relationship, and then you’ll realise they won’t keep any of their promises.
“Projects recede like the horizon and are put off endlessly to continue to maintain the dream, interspersed with appalling moments of harassment or denigration,” said psychotherapist and author Anne Clotilde Ziégler, speaking to Cosmopolitan France.
So why are narcissistic people so keen on pretending to plan for the future? Faking the future is “a form of manipulation, and it’s keeping you hooked in by making the kinds of promises you want to hear”, clinical psychologist and author Ramani Durvasula told Men’s Health.
The aim is to instil in the victim the belief that things will change or improve in the future. These visions “may include wanting to have a family with you someday, and they may say things about wanting to get married or buy a house together”, Durvasula added.
The experts recommend being vigilant when your partner starts looking ahead very quickly at the beginning of a relationship. But how can you spot the signs?
“It’s very difficult,” Ziégler admitted. “In a controlling relationship, the first sign is love bombing: the narcissist showers you with glowing compliments.” And it can be hard to step back from that because, as the expert noted, “when someone thinks you’re wonderful, it’s really nice”.
That’s why it’s important, at the start of any new relationship, to get to know your partner before making a commitment. If you suspect someone is using this tactic, communicate your intentions clearly before committing to any kind of relationship – or distance yourself quickly.