Have you heard of “hoovering?” It isn’t about using a vacuum cleaner to pick up dust and dirt – rather, this is an emotional manipulation technique most often used in relationships.
“Hoovering”, like “paper clipping”, is among the trending dating terms that have emerged recently to describe toxic relationship behaviour. The term refers to a person who tries to “hoover” up, or bring back into their life, a former partner they previously neglected, ignored, or even mistreated.
These “hooverers” often have narcissistic personalities and are masters of emotional manipulation. After a period of separation or an argument, the “hooverer” tries to get back into their former partner’s life with gestures of attention, apologies, gifts and promises of change.
By doing so, they hope to play on the other’s feelings by eliciting compassion and guilt, while creating an illusion of change and reconciliation.
As a last resort, they might adopt a desperate attitude, claiming that they can’t live without the other person or that they’re going through a major crisis. But once forgiven, the narcissist resumes their toxic behaviour and, as a result, the “victim” finds themselves “sucked” back into this toxic dynamic, and feels like they can’t escape.
People who use this tactic may present personality disorders other than those of the narcissist. “‘Hoovering’ is a tactic used by individuals with narcissist, borderline, antisocial or histrionic personality disorder,” couples therapist Antonia Di Leo explained.
“It is generally abusive in nature and done to lure the attention of their victim. If an unsuspecting individual cannot see the partner’s motives, they may be taken in by their words or promises.”
As a result, “hoovering” can lead to confusion, isolation, emotional exhaustion, damaged self-esteem, psychological distress, and even depression. To protect yourself from this abusive cycle, you need to cut ties as soon as possible. But this is no easy task.
“Often, individuals in abusive relationships feel a sense of obligation to care for their abusive partner, and the abuser manipulates these feelings,” clinical social worker Taylor Williams pointed out.
To protect yourself, it could be beneficial to confide in those you trust, and/or to engage the help of a therapist, relationship counsellor, or other mental health professional.