Have you ever had a former partner reappear from time to time without any explanation? In the dating world, this is known as “paper clipping”. The term describes a repetitive cycle where a person vanishes for no reason, only to return to your life in an equally inexplicable way.
The expression hails from US cartoonist Samantha Rothenberg, who illustrated this toxic behaviour in a drawing posted on Instagram. She compares people who disappear and reappear to Clippy, Microsoft Office’s virtual assistant from the 1990s, which took the form of a paperclip and popped up on screens to “help” people without them ever having asked for assistance.
In the context of dating and relationships, the “paper clipper” will ghost you after a few dates at first, before popping back up months later via a message or call, then disappearing again.
While it’s normal to check in from time to time with old flames or former partners, what sets the “paper clipper” apart is that there’s no real intention of forming any kind of bond.
If this seems at best insensitive and at worst cruel, it’s because it’s an act that benefits the perpetrator more than the recipient. The “paper clipper” gets the attention they crave and makes sure the other person is still interested every time. This can leave the recipient feeling confused, and their self-esteem takes a hit.
“People who ‘paper clip’ in dating are not interested in a long-term relationship and are emotionally unavailable, meaning they avoid intimacy and therefore keep conversations short,” relationship psychologist Limor Gottlieb told Metro UK.
“It could also be that this person is already in a relationship and wants to keep you on a back burner in case that relationship doesn’t work out, or they may be dating other people and don’t want to commit to one person at the moment.”
So how can you tell if you’re a victim of “paper clipping”? First of all, repeated disappearances followed by sudden reappearances are a good indicator. The person comes back every time you start to forget about them, often through a message or a call. Conversations are often superficial, avoiding serious, intimate subjects.
Finally, you feel as if you’re not making any progress in this relationship and are constantly waiting for a sign from them. If you spot this behaviour in a potential partner from the outset, it’s best to cut it short as soon as possible.
The best attitude to adopt when you’re a victim of a “paper clipper” is to block the person, in order to protect your wellbeing and your heart.