It’s a new term in the world of dating that’s beginning to emerge on social networks: “penny dating”.
This tactic, with potentially toxic effects, involves showering someone with attention at the start of a new relationship, then gradually and deliberately reducing your efforts over time, leaving the other person to settle for less. And all without the partner even realising what’s going on.
This strategy is outlined by TikTokker Erika Tham in a video viewed some seven million times. Using the metaphor of the piggy bank, from which the name “penny dating” is derived, she explains: “Imagine a girl is a piggy bank. In order to get her interested, at first you feed her $100 bills.
“Eventually, you reduce it to $90. She’s going to feel the decrease in effort but it’s only 10%, so if she tries to bring it up, she’s going to sound crazy at this point.
“The next thing you do is you move it back up to $95. Now, instead of feeling like she lost $5, suddenly she feels like she’s gained $5. But you are still putting in 5% less effort.
“Basically, you just keep repeating this cycle and weaning her off your effort until you get to the point where you’re giving her pennies, and suddenly she’s excited to receive 5 cents.”
To better understand this toxic tactic, psychologist Bruce Y Lee has identified various warning signs, which he outlines in one of his articles for Psychology Today. These include a high initial investment, with one partner seeking to win the other over quickly, followed by a reduction in commitment once interest has been shown.
“Beware of love bombers, or those who shower you with gifts too early: early on, dating should be more about two people getting to know each other rather than one person trying to win over the other,” the expert explains.
Lee also advises people to be wary when someone takes a step back from your relationship for no apparent reason, and to look for signs of manipulative behaviour. Finally, he encourages open communication between partners so that problems can be discussed in a healthy and transparent manner.