Have you heard of “intergenerational trauma”? Unhealthy or dysfunctional ways of relating to children happens in every generation across cultures. In the Asian context, it can look like:

• shutting down or not talking about difficult feelings like anger, sadness or fear;
• expecting children to behave perfectly so parents “save face” in front of others;
• disciplining in ways that shame or are punitive;
• forcing children to finish their food even when they’re full;
• placing too much emphasis on academic results (while neglecting what children are actually interested in); and/or
• expecting children to follow all of their parents’ wishes in the name of filial piety.

Such patterns get passed down from generation to generation – until someone decides to break these unhealthy cycles. This, however, takes work, and if you’re the only one doing it in your family, it can be very difficult.

Nevertheless, cycle-breaking can heal you from the past and free future generations so they can become their truest selves. If you’ve been wanting to break unhealthy generational cycles, here are some ways to start.

What you can do for yourself

1. Accept the wounds and hurts

In her book “Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent”, Iris Chen notes that “ignoring our childhood wounds simply allows them to infect the rest of our lives… to thoroughly clean out our wounds, we have to be willing to open them up and face the ugliness and the messiness”.

It can be hard to admit that some of the pain you carry has to do with your parents or caregivers. After all, how can you be so ungrateful as to blame them after everything they’ve done for you?

But ignoring this pain will only leave you stuck and unable to acknowledge what has happened to you. The intention here is not to blame your parents for what they did or didn’t do, but rather, to acknowledge your own narrative.

2. Take responsibility over your own healing

While you may acknowledge that some wounds may be linked to your parents, you don’t have to be a victim. This step involves directing forgiveness towards your parents, and not holding them responsible anymore for the hurt they’ve caused.

You might be holding on to the notion that you can’t achieve some things in life because of your upbringing. But now, it’s time to realise your wholeness is entirely your responsibility, and you don’t have to wait for your parents to see they were wrong.

In the words of neuroscientist Dr Caroline Leaf: “Trauma isn’t our fault, but healing is our responsibility.” If there is a need, seek help from professional therapists who can help guide you on this journey of healing. Remember that you have the power to stop the negative cycle from being passed down by doing the work.

3. Be aware of triggers

We’ve all received conditioning messages during our upbringing and, because of these, we might find ourselves triggered by certain actions of our children. For example:

• If you were brought up to believe that children who misbehave in public haven’t been taught right, you might be especially agitated when your child doesn’t listen to you in front of others.
• If your parents never allowed you to waste any food at the dinner table, you might be upset when your child doesn’t finish the food on their plates.
• Or, if you were caned for crying when you were younger, it would now feel wrong when your child cries, or throws a tantrum.

Notice when you start to feel yourself getting upset at your kids, and be aware of the messages you are receiving that are causing these reactions.

After you are aware of your trigger points, it will be easier to replace those thoughts with ones that will help you connect better with your loved ones:

• “My family doesn’t lack food. It’s OK for my child to stop eating when they’re full. Leftovers can be kept in the fridge for the next meal.”
• “Crying is a healthy form of emotional expression for my child, and is perfectly all right.”

These can be helpful reminders of the values you hold dear, which in turn can stop messages that no longer serve your family from being passed down.

What you can do for your children

1. Practise accepting all feelings

Acknowledging one’s feelings isn’t something many Asians are comfortable doing. Often, emotions tend to be suppressed or ignored.

But for children to know that they are loved no matter what, they need to know that all their feelings are accepted – even the ones that are difficult, uncomfortable, or unreasonable.

As such, it’s crucial to create a safe space for your children to let out their fears, sadness and anger without ridiculing, judging, or trying to fix/change things.

2. Encourage autonomy

This means giving back control to your child in areas that were intended for them in the first place. When you honour your child’s autonomy, you give them back their voice, their agency, and their sense of self.

In our collectivist society, children are often encouraged to follow what others are doing. But every child is unique and sometimes, they don’t fit into the mould society deems acceptable.

When it comes to learning, allow your child to follow their interests, even if it’s not directly linked to academic success. Within limits, try permitting them to be in charge of how long they want to engage in learning.

It’s when we allow children to take charge of their interests that true learning happens – instead of pressuring them to study just to pass an exam.

In the area of bodily autonomy, it’s important that children know from a young age that they are in charge of their bodies. It’s all right that they don’t feel comfortable hugging that aunty during Chinese New Year, or don’t want to salam that pak cik just yet when they go over to his house.

When we don’t force children to give affection, they learn that their “no”s have weight, and can be asserted when they feel uncomfortable.

3. Model what you want to see in your child

Ultimately, you can only pass on what you have to your children. If you want your young ones to express their feelings in a positive manner, you’ll have to express your own in ways that don’t hurt others.

Similarly, if you want your children to have healthy eating habits, eat healthily. If you wish for them to be kind, treat them kindly. Remember: more is caught than is taught.

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This article was written by Carmen Chan for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support, and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.