“Bullies are made, not born, and it happens at an early age.”

That is the pronouncement by Dr Sumithra Kukananthan, medical practitioner and senior lecturer at the London College of Clinical Hypnosis in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore.

Despite the optimism that the journey of a young person from adolescence into adulthood might soften the edges of traumatic childhood experiences, bullies exist and bullying persists among adults.

It exists in the workplace, she tells FMT, as much as it does in the family and in social circles, long after everyone has left the sandbox of the playground, where children are encouraged to ‘play nice’.

Study upon study reinforces the old trope: people do not quit jobs, they quit bosses.

However, it is difficult to express in a resignation letter the realisation that one’s manager is the sole cause of workplace misery.

And sometimes, it is because people do not recognise adult bullying in its subtler forms.

Overt and covert

Research shows, says the good doctor, that bullies have a distinct psychological make-up.

“They lack prosocial behaviour, are not troubled by anxiety and do not understand others’ feelings.”

Dr Sumithra unfurls the laundry list of signs of adult bullying.

“Bullies can have an intimidating, superior attitude, have a following of people behind him or her, are controlling, isolate their targets or victims, become determined to pinpoint the target’s weaknesses and are emotionally reactive and self-involved.”

It doesn’t end there.

Bullies can also be overly critical, judgemental and unforgiving complainers who lack the respect for authority, but what Dr Sumithra also appends is that bullies have lower self-esteem.

She also cautions on the dangers of unchecked behaviour at its genesis.

“If the normal aggression of two-year-olds is not handled with care and consistency, children fail to acquire internal restraint against such behaviour,” she says.

“Bullying remains a very durable behavioural style, largely because bullies get what they want – at least, at the beginning.”

Patterns, protection and boundaries

“Unless strong and effective boundaries are established, the bully is likely to repeat and intensify the abuse,” says Dr Sumithra.

Adults fall victim to adult bullying regularly, she adds, but they do not recognise that they are being bullied.

Simply put, “Many adults are adult bullies in their behaviour towards people they don’t approve of, or agree with,” she explains.

Workplace bullying is harmful, targeted behaviour that happens at work, she adds.

“It might be spiteful, offensive, mocking, or intimidating. It forms a pattern, and it tends to be directed at one person or a few people.”

Methods of such bullying can include verbal mockery, humiliation, jokes, gossip, or other spoken abuse.

Workplace bullying can also come in other insidious forms, such as in one’s work performance, says Dr Sumithra.

In these instances, bullying can manifest itself as wrongful blame, work sabotage or interference, or stealing or taking credit for ideas.

Is there any hope that an adult bully would develop self-awareness at some point?

Dr Sumithra responds: “As long as the victim is unable to safely protect themselves, the bullying will continue.”

The fight club

Whether adult bullying presents itself at work, at home or in social circles, there are coping strategies and mechanisms.

For those on the receiving end of adult bullying, Dr Sumithra advises: “Don’t fight back.”

This is because fighting back “only gives the bully what he is looking for — your reaction. In addition, a violent reaction could get you in serious trouble. Stand your ground, but do not be antagonistic,” she explains.

She also advises victims of bullying to speak to someone they trust and to understand that they do not have to suffer in silence or suffer alone. “Especially if there is a danger that the bully could become violent.”

Avoidance is another coping strategy, she advises.

“Avoid the bully,” she states. “You still need to carry on with your normal routine, but avoid situations where the bully typically picks on you.”

Acting brave can sometimes stop a bully.

“When you give an outward appearance of calm and don’t back down, the bully can see that you know how to stand up for yourself.”

Speaking up is encouraged, too, she says, as it is an inalienable right of victims of bullying.

She cautions against showing your emotions in front of a bully, such as crying, which will simply give the bully the satisfaction that he has hurt your feelings.

What Dr Sumithra also emphasises is perhaps something all victims of bullying need to hear more often.

“Understand that it isn’t your fault,” she says, “even if it may seem to be.”