As a young man who was terrified of any sort of commitment, Roy (not his real name) only allowed himself to fall for a girl who was 500km away.

They both genuinely tried to make it work but things fell apart spectacularly, mostly because they were too young and immature to handle the distance.

But they both decided to give it another go, and – with more understanding, compromise and boundaries in place – were able to make it work the second time around, while learning several important lessons along the way.

What kills long-distance relationships is the constant underlying uncertainty that makes one think: “Does she still feel the same way about me as she did before?” “Is he secretly meeting other girls?” “Is this all worth it?”

The more time spent apart, the more these uncertainties could grow into legitimate existential crises.

This is why it’s crucial to have some event that both individuals can look forward to, as this would usually be the next time they see each other. Without a milestone or goal, it can be harder to maintain the same enthusiasm for, and optimism in, each other.

If a relationship is not growing, it is dying.

Healthy scepticism

A funny thing happens psychologically to humans when they’re separated: they’re not able to see each other for how they truly are. One starts to make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are often either exaggerated or completely wrong.

In some cases, people get jealous or irrationally possessive because they perceive every casual social outing as a potential threat to the relationship.

Others start idealising their partner as being perfect; if he or she isn’t in front of them every day, it’s easy to forget the parts of their personality that bothers them.

In a long-distance scenario, it’s important to maintain some scepticism concerning one’s own feelings. If you don’t know what’s going on, the best solution is to talk it out with your partner.

Many long-distance couples create rules that they should have so-and-so number of calls a day, or that they need to talk each night at a certain time.

This approach might work for some, but Roy says communication should happen organically – they should talk when they want to, not because they have to.

Communication is important in any relationship, but more of it is not necessarily ideal in a long-distance scenario, especially when this communication is forced.

Two things could happen: the first is that there are days when there is nothing to talk about, which could create more problems than it solves.

The second issue is that one or both could begin to resent the obligation to connect. This could lead to petty fights, which could devolve into arguments of “I’m sacrificing more than you are!”

Roy shares that the best way to avoid this mistake is to make all communication optional. Remember that periodically having a few days to oneself is actually a healthy thing.

TELEME Healing Life Stories is a collection of inspirational stories of how ordinary people triumph over their health conditions and recover to lead a healthier life after that. Feel free to email [email protected] to share your story.

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