As the holidays approach, many parents use Christmas presents to discipline their kids, reminding them that only good little children will receive gifts under the tree. But using this threat to address bad behaviour may not only be ineffective, it could also erode trust between parents and children.

According to a survey by researchers at the University of Michigan Health CS Mott Children’s Hospital, a quarter of parents with children aged three to five have threatened their kids with no presents at Christmas to encourage them to behave better. Others opt for more immediate measures, such as cutting short an activity or not serving dessert at the next meal.

While these non-violent punishments may seem effective at the time, they are rarely effective over the long term as they have no real educational value. “Consequences should be immediate, so the child understands the connection with their misbehaviour,” paediatrician and study co-author Susan Woolford explained.

For example, if a child is drawing on a wall, it’s more effective to say they’ll lose their playtime if they don’t stop. This gives the child a chance to change their behaviour before being punished.

On the other hand, threatening to take away their gifts at Christmas has nothing to do with what they’ve done, and doesn’t help them understand the relationship between their actions and their consequences. “Empty threats undermine trust and credibility and aren’t usually effective. Positive reinforcement and consistent discipline are more likely to shape long-term behaviour,” Woolford noted.

Although crucial, consistency remains a real challenge for many families. While half the parents surveyed consider themselves to be “very consistent” in their parenting style, many admit that tiredness, stress or irritation sometimes leads them to impulsive or even regrettable actions.

For example, two out of five parents admit to spanking, even though the practice has long been shown to be ineffective. “Parents should avoid the temptation to rely on tactics that might yield short-term compliance but have negative effects later on,” Woolford stressed.

Effective discipline requires an age-appropriate approach. Toddlers (one to two years old), for example, don’t usually engage in willful misbehaviour but are simply exploring their environment. At this age, approaches such as distraction or redirection are far more effective than sanctions.

Beyond age two, children better understand the links between their actions and adult reactions. The parents of three- to five-year-olds surveyed prefer warnings, firm instructions or time-outs, which involve temporarily isolating the child to calm the situation down.

In this age group, it’s advisable to associate behaviour with logical consequences. For example, asking a child to clean up a deliberately spilled drink can be far more educational and constructive than an unrelated punishment.

With Christmas just days away, forget threats of coal under the tree or no presents from Santa to encourage your child to behave better. Instead, use clear, caring dialogue: explain the consequences of your child’s actions and set simple rules.

If your child respects these limits, don’t hesitate to praise them. If they don’t, calmly apply a previously announced sanction, without letting anger get the better of you.

Consistent and appropriate discipline will not only contribute to better behaviour, but also to a trusting parent-child relationship – a great gift for the holidays.