Take International Widow’s Day for instance. It’s understandable that such a day would get little notice. After all, most people are uncomfortable with the emotions associated with the loss such a day reminds them of.
Grief counsellor Sindusha Darshini explained that rather than conversation, all that a grieving person needs is for you to be present.
She said that it is important to the process of grieving to acknowledge that there are layers to it. Sindusha explained that the loss of a loved one to death is termed as primary loss and is not a single event.
“The series of losses that are triggered by the primary loss such as the loss of a financial planner, loss of companionship, and the loss of a future together are not often acknowledged.”
Ravitha Kandasamy, 47, is a widow experiencing these secondary losses. With her husband’s passing she lost her best friend and her two children lost a loving father.
Thiru Cheng Kodu Raghavan Krishnan was just 57 years old when he passed away in 2020 from lung cancer. “We were not prepared to lose him,” Ravitha said, trying to explain the shock of the loss.
Ravitha was with him right to the very end but even to this day she is struggling to believe that he is gone. She had never imagined a future without him.
Thiru was a quiet man with a big heart. Ravitha knew that he regularly donated groceries and helped children from poverty-stricken households. “He was a kind man, that was how I came to love him.”
But the true extent of this kind man’s reach came after his death.
Ravitha kept his phone charged and it would ring daily with calls from animal shelters and old folk’s homes which he had supported.
One would think that a kind man would only have good friends. Thiru had lent large sums of money to people he had thought of as close friends. But when Ravitha reached out to request that they pay back the loans, they constantly put her off.
Ravitha teared up while explaining how difficult it had been to care for her dying husband during the pandemic while raising two children. The widow and her children are living on less than RM1,500 a month now.
“Life was going smoothly when my husband was around. Anything I needed I could just go to the shop. We had the best holidays,” Ravitha recalled sadly.
Left without an income and having her husband’s friends refuse to return the money they were lent, Ravitha has lost faith in humanity. “Now I doubt everyone.”
Still she does her best to be there for her sons Leevenesh and Sharveen, who both have suffered nightmares and depression since their father’s passing.
All three suffered a blow just as bad when Ravitha’s elder brother, Raj Kumar suddenly passed away as well. He had been helping them and was the sole support for their mother.
Now Ravitha and her younger brother are scraping by to buy groceries, medication and pay rent for two households. “I don’t know what is going to happen to us because it’s hard to get a job at 47.”
Ravitha had been a stay-at-home mother since the birth of her eldest son Leevenesh, 17 years ago. He has ADHD and an epilepsy condition that requires her constant monitoring.
Their current financial situation means that her dream of seeing her children attend college feels like a distant hope.
Yet, even with these worries, on the anniversary of her husband’s passing, she celebrated his legacy by donating food to the less fortunate.
A ray of light in the darkness are Ravitha’s close friends, Jini, Sugu, Selvi, Subu, Pushpa, Shirley, Julie and Mary. They make an effort to lift her spirits and she appreciates the time they spend with her.
Ravitha said she often felt overwhelmed and that the future looked bleak. Yet, she was staying strong for her children.
On International Widow’s Day today, why not take a moment to let a widow know that they are not alone in their grief.
Ravitha earns a little income from home baking, so do visit her on Instagram to order your cakes and cookies.