Congratulations Dear Mr Prime Minister! I’m sorry but I still choke at the YAB, or Yang Amat Berhormat, part. But there are lots of better-mannered Malaysians who get this right, and it’s on your letterhead as well in case old cynics like me get you down.

But first, a shout out to all the commissioners of oaths. My, what roaring business they’re doing! Who’d think during these dark days that statutory declarations would be one of the few growth areas of our economy! Windfall tax on commissioners, I say!

But dear commissioners, please don’t go on vacation yet, your service is still needed. I hear you’re expanding and moving to nicer locations such as Parliament House. You’re too important to be at the back of some dark and dingy shopping arcade.

There should be some space for the commissioners outside the Parliament gates, too. This is for the opposition parties and NGOs who are barred from entering the building. It’s also to service tourists who want to buy framed souvenir copies of special SDs from the incredible events of 2021.

I’m creating an app that delivers a commissioner for oaths by motorcycle to any place in KL (soon – state capitals too) to notarise SDs. Prices are based on volume, whether post-dated or pre-dated, whether for or against (or both) etc. I’ve named it the SSS App – Sign Submit Sapu!

For politicians who’re frequent users there’s a special disloyalty programme called BckDr. Points collected can be used for overseas holidays during MCO. Collect enough points (and with some cash top-up) and redeem them for chairmanship positions in selected GLCs.

OK. This is not a column about Malaysian business, but about Malaysian politics.

I’d like to offer my unsolicited advice to our new PM. My first advice is — you’re in an absolutely brilliant position, Sir!

Why? It’s because as far as expectations for the PM are concerned, they’ve never been lower. The number of people in our country who expect anything good from you is barely enough to fill up Parliament while socially distancing.

If anything, expectations are even lower now after you picked the same apprentices who mismanaged the worst crisis in our nation’s history, and for allowing many who failed to redo their apprenticeships all over again.

While they can still go lower (never underestimate Malaysian politicians), you now have even more opportunities to rise above such abysmal expectations. You can surprise us all by being a decent and even good PM. Strike while the iron is lukewarm, Sir!

So, plan and scheme and move heaven and earth to prevent any Tong, Vig and Mamat (actually only Mamats given how things here work) from kicking you out using their own SDs. Start by banning SDs that don’t have a halal certificate issued by…the PM’s Dept!

Next advice – people are hungry for a bit of competence, Sir. We’ve seen so little of it in the last few (many) years, we may not even recognise it when we see it. As of now we don’t expect to see any, but you can still surprise us, Sir!

How? Bring in some of the loudmouths who’ve been criticising you into your government. We already have 80 ministers and deputies – why not 800? If they don’t succeed, well, bring out your SSS app and keep our commissioners for oaths busy and our economy buzzing.

Don’t bring in all the loudmouths though, only the young and the women and the reflection of our country’s diversity. Whatever dump we’re in right now wasn’t created by youth or diversity (though some of the women have had a hand). Set an age limit – nobody older than 90. Or maybe 50. Fifty sounds good. Forty is better, but we can live with 50.

There are many powerful people in your own party who are thanking you for warming the PM seat for them. They’re just waiting for you to slip up so that they can bury you. They’re already collecting SDs to slice you up, Sir.

Your goal is to thwart them and win the next general election and become PM fair and square. No more backdoor or side door or SDs. Win so big through the front door it’ll shut everybody up. You’d need to be strategic, transformative and deviously cunning. Forget Makcik Kiah, embrace Makcik Valian!

So, defend the justice system. Let the cases against those charged with corruption continue. Push for heavier sentences, and get more people charged (I don’t think we’re short of people to charge). Remember they’re all out to get you. Heed Sun Tzu’s advice – keep your enemies close and keep your friends in prison.

Chop the opposition at the knees by being nice to the many reasonable people in them. I know this won’t be easy given they’re already on their knees, but give them hope as they’re also losing hope in their own demigods and dynasties. This will also disrupt the opposition and they’ll be in disarray for years.

Ignore the attack dogs in your party. They don’t have as much impact as you think they do. There are many other smarter attack dogs who aren’t motivated by hate, but rather by love for the country, and they’ll drown them out for free if you give them half a chance.

Focus on making people’s lives better. The country will accept honest and effective affirmative action if it helps the really deserving. Don’t care about the business cronies – they have limited sway in a free and fair political environment. Send some to prison. too, just to keep them in line.

Remember the oath you took. I’m pretty sure it says you must take care of all Malaysians and uphold the Federal Constitution, and not your party’s constitution. Remember you’re a YAB (Yang Amat Berjanji), you’ve made a promise with God, and He’s watching you.

Above all remember, your goal is to stay in power, and the way to do that is to totally upend the current political dynamics. Keep everybody off-balance with something they’d never seen nor expected – doing the right things with competence and integrity!

Do that Sir, and the next general election is in your pocket.

Then put in term limits. Maximum two terms or 10 years as PM. Leave on your own accord (blame term limits) and go ahead, be a bit naughty or nasty in your lame duck years. But afterwards, bask in the people’s affection while being protected against any misguided desire to return and muck things up.

If you keep playing the same old political game, you would go down the same old path as the previous idiots and set a new record of lows in Malaysian politics. They, and you, will be remembered as being even more vile and destructive than the Covid-19 virus.

I’m available for appointment as special advisor with ministerial status. Let’s have fun confounding your enemies, surprising your friends and winning the respect and admiration of those who have given up on our country.

So YAB, or You’re Abah Baru, Malaysia is counting on you. May your oath be with you.

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of FMT.