With Valentine’s Day around the corner, everyone seems to be brimming over with love. With chocolates, flowers, gifts and dinner plans in the works, many couples are eagerly looking forward to sharing this day with the loves of their lives.
I may seem like a wet blanket, but I would like to talk about something equally important. I would like to talk about betrayal.
Recently, I received a message from a Tinder match: “Hi Fa. I am M. Married for 12 years, things are getting dull and sour. Looking for some excitement.”
Not too long ago, a good friend of mine, a mother to a seven-year-old, discovered her husband’s affair with a colleague.
Way before that, a Facebook acquaintance, a married man, asked what I thought of the concept of “friends with benefits”. I didn’t dignify him with an answer since I saw that question as more of an invitation to something illicit.
I know enough married male friends who brag about the extramarital affairs they enjoy with junior colleagues or clients. Or the many one-night stands they indulge in on company trips. To them, it’s more a case of “We are men and this is what men do.”
Rather than analyse why they are cheating on women they claim to still love, and with whom they have built a family, they say, “What she does not know will not hurt her.”
But here are some nagging questions begging to be asked:
• How can men have sex with someone other than their wives, knowing these careless affairs could ruin their lives when they are found out?
• How can men claim they do not have a deep connection with those they cheat with when they are willing to sacrifice their morals and values for sexual gratification?
The mistake most women make when finding out about extramarital affairs is blaming the “other woman”. By society’s standards, the other woman is always the “whore” and the cheating husbands are, well, “victims of manipulation”. Of course, when you’re horny, that’s exactly what you are – a victim.
“My tongue just happened to fall into her mouth.”
Sounds like a victim all right.
Cheating takes planning. A lot of planning. From planning where to meet to planning when to “accidentally” slip into bed together or how to keep the affair under wraps.
Clearly, cheating is betrayal.
It is not about a midlife crisis.
It is not about attempting to spice things up.
It is not about being tricked to fall for someone else.
Cheating is cheating.
Seriously, if you genuinely love someone, you do not cheat on them – you respect them, you support them, you care for them, you stand by them, you build a life with them and you build a future with them.
Cheating on someone you love only shows that you no longer respect them, support them or care for them. It shows that you are willing to risk losing them – which is ironic because when you love someone, you would never want to lose them.
So, this Feb 14, before you say “I love you”, please re-think what those three words really mean. Instead of giving her chocolates, flowers and gifts, consider giving her trust, honesty and loyalty.
Now those would be true gifts of love.
Fa Abdul is an FMT columnist.
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