We women frequently find ourselves doing things we do not enjoy for the benefit of other people.

We sacrifice our own needs when we do things like pick up our brother’s car from the service centre while forgetting to collect our own clothes from the dry cleaners.

So, it is time for us to learn to say ‘No’ assertively.

After all, it’s just like what the author and businessman Stephen Covey said, “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

Why is it so difficult for women to say ‘No’?

Have you ever wondered why women tend to say ‘Yes’? Why can’t we say ‘No’ directly and boldly, at once, like most men?

The main variables that establish this difference between men and women include society and our biological condition.

According to psychologist Susan Newman, in this situation, society engraves fear within both men and women. For men, the fear is to be labelled a chicken. If a guy does not boldly say ‘No’ straightaway to favours such as dog-sitting for a neighbour, he is considered a wimp.

For women, it is the opposite. Women fear being labelled mean, insensitive and selfish. Society has created a habit within us to constantly seek the approval of everyone else. We are praised for sacrificing our own desires to keep everyone else happy.

Even today, a mother who takes a break from her career to care for her child receives more praise than a mother who leaves her child at a childcare centre to follow her career. Thus, many women are inclined to think that ‘No’ means ‘I don’t care about your happiness’.

In addition, women’s biological functions ensure that we receive pleasure from helping others. When we do something that benefits someone else, optimistic hormones are released and the reward centre of our brain becomes highly stimulated.

Why women must say ‘No’ when they mean ‘No’

Never create a reason to bear a grudge against yourself. If you end up saying ‘Yes’ to something you hate doing, you will resent yourself for agreeing to do it.

Do not convince yourself to do something you don’t like by trying to justify it with statements like, “Well, I do have the ability to do it”, or, “I should be able to complete the task”. Even if you do possess the ideal skills that are essential to get the job done, but you hate doing such a task or your gut tells you must not do it, simply decline the request.

You may think a task can provide an extra opportunity to earn a hefty sum of money or can act as a catalyst for your career, so you say ‘Yes’. But you must remind yourself that you only have a chance of succeeding in such a gamble. If you cannot overcome how much you hate the task, you will not get what you want out of it.

If you consistently say, ‘Yes’, to offers, requests and favours, you will become a doormat. People will take advantage of your generosity. Rather than focusing on the tasks you need to fulfil for yourself, you will end up spending all your time doing things for others.

Furthermore, you will be a bad influence on others if you take on their responsibilities all the time. Because of you, they will not learn to be responsible and independent.

As a result, they will not fully develop the skills they need to survive. One day they will realise their deficiencies and blame you for preventing them from learning from their mistakes by always helping and rescuing them.

How to say ‘No’ politely

Always remember that it is okay to politely say ‘No’.

Begin by learning to recognise the precursors that indicate an unwanted request is coming. For example, someone may start with, “I know you are busy, but …”

In such cases, mentally prepare yourself to reply, “I would really love to, but I can’t.”

If necessary, take time to prepare yourself to say, ‘No’ after calming your nerves. Do not say, ‘Yes’ out of pressure.

Next, keep your, ‘No’ short.

There is no need to back it up with reasons or excuses. Just keep the conversation light.

Finally, stop thinking about how you turned someone down. Do not let yourself feel any guilt. If you do feel guilty, think of the cons of agreeing to the offer or request with respect to yourself.

This article first appeared in The New Savvy.

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