Oozing self-confidence, she took the bold step of ditching her law studies while in her final year so she could focus full-time on tutoring children, her dream job.

Happy to enrich little lives through education, Darshini decided to reward herself as well by pursuing her love for jewellery-making. So, she enrolled in an online course offered by the New York Institute of Art and Design.

Today she’s a businessperson in her own right, tutoring full-time and running a small jewellery business on the side called DashBeads that supports poor families, animal shelters and underprivileged kids.

However, in 2019, Darshini’s life was far from rosy. She had plunged into a deep depression, finding herself in a dark, sad and lonely place after the man she thought she would marry cut her out of his life completely.

“All I felt was fear and I hid under my comforter,” Darshini tells FMT, sounding close to tears at the memory.

“I was scared to see light and I did not go out of my house at all,” she says, adding that she couldn’t even bear the thought of stepping out of her bedroom.

As she lay in bed with haunting thoughts of “why am I here, what is my purpose in life” playing like a broken record in her head, she contemplated ending it all.

“It was a battle between living and dying and it was the worst time of my life. My career was gone, confidence taken from me and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I felt so ugly,” the 30-year-old says.

“There was one month when I couldn’t be alone and had to clutch my brother’s shirt or have someone near me as I slept,” she says, adding that her anxiety was so bad at one point, she’d find herself retching despite her empty stomach as she was unable to eat.

She tells FMT of the time when she attended a relative’s wedding but suffered a panic attack 10 minutes into the event, and spent the rest of the time hiding in the car.

Her mental health continued to suffer and one day, she overdosed on pills. On another occasion, she slit her wrists.

She realised that while her depression was triggered by the sudden breakup with her boyfriend, it was the years of suppressed trauma that sent her down the deep end.

“Around 2011-2012, I was in an abusive relationship and that torture and abuse lasted one to two years,” she says, opening up about an earlier relationship that ripped her self-esteem to shreds.

“It was very toxic,” she says, explaining that her then-boyfriend threatened to harm her family members and even started stalking her.

The fear and worry were overwhelming, she says, as she was already barely coping with the loss of her grandmother a few years earlier.

“I lost my paternal grandmother when I was 17. My life revolved around her so when I lost her, I felt so numb,” she says, adding that 13 years on, she still cries at the thought of her late grandmother.

Although her former boyfriend finally moved elsewhere for a job, the constant gaslighting and unresolved issues came back to haunt her in her next break up.

“It wasn’t about ending my life, it was about ending the battle in my mind and that’s what others fail to understand about depression,” she explains.

Darshini says those who contemplate suicide aren’t selfish like most people accuse them to be, but only consumed by intense fear and see ending their lives as the only means to “silence the demons”.

Thankfully, Darshini got the therapy she needed although some family members remained sceptical of its efficacy. However, her brother came to her defence.

“He said ‘it’s better for her to come back from a psychiatric clinic rather than in a coffin’,” she says, adding that her brother and cousin were her biggest supporters.

But therapy wasn’t a walk in the park. She says she spent the first few sessions bawling her eyes out, unable to get a word out.

Over time she was prescribed anxiety and sleeping pills but also began opening up about her feelings as she relearned the meaning of self-love.

She says she’s found her purpose again, and realises that her self-worth is not based on anyone or anything. She’s also found renewed joy in her teaching and jewellery making.

“Although I have a psychiatric record, it doesn’t mean I’m mad. I have come to accept my emotions instead of suppressing it. I don’t have to be strong all the time,” she says.

“We’re all human and though it’s a long journey, I’m on the right track.”

If you’d like to support Darshini’s cause, check out DashBeads.