Dating is often an exciting yet stressful time. If you’d like to maximise your chances of finding a good partner and building a sustainable relationship, it’s vital to improve your emotional intelligence and, by extension, your emotional control.

“In my 30 years of experience, I’ve seen clients make almost every mistake possible,” said US relationship counsellor Ilene Wolf. “It’s understandable, because the emotional landscape of dating is so volatile and complex.
“The most important thing you can do for yourself is recognise, accept, and process your emotions in a healthy way, whatever they happen to be.”

Common emotions in the modern dating scene include:

• Anxiety: Many people feel anxious talking to someone new, even in a safe, familiar environment. A first date is even more nerve-wracking, especially if you’re optimistic about the potential of this relationship or are concerned about how it might develop. Remember, it’s not about finding the right thing to say, but about being present and interested to learn more about your date.
• Guilt/shame: Some people feel guilt or shame as a result of their past actions. Ghosting someone, unintentionally or otherwise; getting physical with someone; or behaving inappropriately on a date can cause inner conflict.
• Isolation and depression: If you aren’t successful in dating right away, you might feel isolated or depressed. Without proactive processing and reframing, this could cause you to further isolate yourself, complicating these dynamics.
• Distrust/betrayal: Dating someone who isn’t what they seem and dealing with liars and manipulators can cause feelings of betrayal. Left unchecked, these can make you distrustful and pessimistic about future people you meet.
• Frustration: It’s natural to feel frustrated after certain dating experiences, especially if you’ve been mistreated in some way. But it’s important to process this frustration in a healthy way if you wish to keep moving forward.
• ‘Bad’ good feelings: Positive emotions can also be problematic. For example, if you’re overly enamoured with someone, you might consciously or unconsciously ignore red flags that are telling you to steer clear.

Practical exercises for regulating emotions

Here are some exercises that can help you manage and regulate your emotions:

• Maintain perspective: We all have a tendency to get inside of our own heads, so make an effort to zoom out and maintain perspective on whatever’s happening. A bad first date might seem like the end of the world, but it will likely end up as a funny story in the future.
• Understand your goals and motivations: Understand your own goals and motivations. You might think you’re looking for love, but what are you really looking for? And what does love mean to you, anyway?
• Avoid setting expectations: Ambitious goals can be strong motivators, but high expectations can be devastating. If you believe a person is going to look, act, or feel a certain way and they don’t, you’re going to end up disappointed. Keep expectations low and go with the flow.
• Meditate: Practise mindfulness meditation to remain in the present. Done regularly, it’s an ideal strategy for avoiding rumination on the past as well as worries about the future.
• Write things down: Similarly, daily journaling can help you to to name and process your emotions on a regular basis.
• Seek healthy distractions: When you feel down or experience challenges, find a healthy distraction. Hiking, hanging out with friends, or going on a weekend getaway can clear your mind.
• Be yourself (and truthful): Many people present a false or exaggerated version of themselves. This only sets your partner up for disappointment: it makes you come off as insincere, and can make you feel fake and hollow. Just be yourself, even if it means turning some people off.
• Spend ample time alone: Self-love and self-care are essential. Between dates, make sure you spend time on your own doing the things you love.
• Let things go: Everyone has bad dating stories. While you don’t have to forget about these experiences entirely, you should aim to let them go and move on.

Nobody said romance was easy, and it’s especially hard for those who are struggling with mental health issues or who are particularly sensitive to the dynamics of dating. But with a healthy mindset and some proactive management strategies, you can get control over your emotions and find much greater success in the dating scene.

Read more articles by Dennis Relojo-Howell here.

Dennis Relojo-Howell is the managing director of Psychreg and host of ‘The DRH Show’. Connect with him on X at @dennisr_howell.