Have you ever spent hours picking an outfit in order to avoid criticism, or laughed at a joke that didn’t really amuse you, just so you wouldn’t feel left out? These seemingly trivial behaviours may be signs of a deeper fear: FOPO, or “fear of other people’s opinions”.
Not to be confused with FOMO, or “fear of missing out”, this concept – theorised by psychologist Michael Gervais – is “primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others”, he outlined in a HuffPost article.
This fear is closely linked to another fundamental phobia: that of being rejected.
There are generally three stages to FOPO. First, there’s the anticipation phase, marked by an incessant flow of thoughts and emotions that overwhelm you before a social interaction. You mentally prepare yourself for what others might think of you, seeking to avoid any criticism or judgement.
Then comes the control phase, when you become ultra-attentive during the interaction. You meticulously analyse the words, tone, behaviour and facial expressions of the person with whom you’re communicating. Rather than focusing on the exchange itself, you become obsessed with the image you’re projecting.
Finally, the adaptation phase leads you to adjust your behaviour according to what you perceive, to avoid rejection as you respond. This can take the form of actions such as laughing at jokes you don’t find funny, simply to be accepted.
This thought and behaviour cycle can have harmful consequences for mental health. “The anticipatory and checking phases are exhausting,” Gervais noted, explaining that this constant fatigue adds to our mental load and can lead to real psychological distress.
Fear of other people’s opinions is a complex phenomenon influenced by multiple factors. According to psychologist Yves-Alexandre Thalmann, some people are more predisposed to it because of their past, particularly those who were victims of judgement, exclusion or harassment during childhood.
However, this fear spares no one and can occur at any time in life, whatever one’s experience.
FOPO is a reality that affects many people, often invisibly. Understanding this mechanism and its impact is the first step in learning how to free yourself from it and regain a more easygoing relationship with yourself and others.
To achieve this, it’s essential to work on your self-esteem. Thalmann recommends challenging yourself and taking action, rather than anticipating criticism; for example, put on a colourful piece of clothing that you wouldn’t normally dare to wear, in order to step out of your comfort zone.
This will not only teach you to feel more comfortable with yourself, but also to detach yourself from the gaze of others.