Motherhood brings with it a wide range of emotions. If you’re a mum, you would finally understand firsthand a mother’s love – and be subjected to some less-desirable feelings such as “mum guilt”.

Mum guilt can come in many forms. There’s guilt surrounding decisions about going back to work, or giving your kids screen time, or any of the countless other (big or small) choices you make over the day. Some mamas might even feel guilty about not experiencing mum guilt!

Some common reasons cited by mums for feeling guilty include:

• being a working or stay-at-home mum;
• taking time for yourself;
• not spending “enough” time with the kids, or being too tired to play with them;
• breastfeeding decisions;
• overindulging or ignoring your children’s wants;
• losing your cool;
• not being able to provide “enough” financially.

More often than not, a major cause of excessive mum guilt boils down to an unfounded belief – that mums need to be the perfect parent for their children.

So, how do you manage these negative feelings? Here are some pointers.

1. Review your expectations

In this day and age, there’s so much pressure to do it all, have it all, be it all. Often, this stems from the many unrealistic expectations faced by women in society today. But there’s no such thing as the perfect mother!

Parenting expert and clinical psychologist Dr Claire Halsey reiterates that “there is no problem in wanting to be the best parent you can be, but expecting to be perfect in every way is an unreasonable pressure and a recipe for disappointment”.

So be kinder to yourself – and learn to let go of the myth of parenting perfection.

2. Identify your triggers

Self-reflect and take note of the beliefs that cause you to feel guilt or shame. Is there a deeper reason why something might be a trigger point? Is it a rational response?

Journalling is a great way to help you get in tune with yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Decide which source matters most, and work to uncover your true values as a parent.

3. Trust your instincts

Every parenting journey is different, and every family unique. There is no one size-fits-all method and, unfortunately, no “Parenting 101” manual.

Who knows your child better than yourself? If your next-door neighbour makes you second guess your parenting methods, don’t immediately assume you are guilty of going down the “wrong track”.

Stay open to different perspectives and feedback, but not to the point where you go against your heart.

4. Check your social media use

According to a 2019 survey, Malaysians spend almost six hours daily on social media. That’s a whole lot of ideas and suggestions to be bombarded with everyday! And we all know how toxic it can get when we get caught up in the comparison game.

So, regularly review groups you are in and the people you follow. Perhaps take a social media break from those glossy lives you see on the ‘Gram – especially if their (often unrealistic) standards cause resentment to breed.

Instead of comparing lives, start being more intentional about who and what you choose to follow on social media.

5. Know you’re human

Lost your temper or got into an argument with your partner in front of the kids? Stop feeling guilty! It’s okay to be real – your children don’t need an unrealistic, picture-perfect front.

What they DO need to see is their parents role-modelling healthy communication and working through conflict, acknowledging errors, and extending empathy to each other.

6. Take time for your needs

It’s been said countless times before: self care is crucial! It can be hard to shake off those lingering feelings of guilt for taking time for yourself amidst #mumlife – but your kids will be at their healthiest and happiest when their mamas are.

So, find creative ways to sneak in some “me time”, pamper yourself, or step out of the house for a bit for a breath of fresh air to decompress in nature. You got this!

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This article was written by Elaine Yeoh for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter (X).