Mother’s Day is the one Sunday a year where mothers from all walks of life are especially honoured for their dedication, love and sacrifice. At the same time, the celebration can be a bittersweet, even painful, experience for those coping with infertility.

According to the department of statistics, 2021 saw the lowest birth rate in the past decade, with only 439,744 births – a 6.7% drop compared with 2020.

Worldwide, about 48 million couples and 186 million individuals suffer from infertility, with one in six couples facing problems with fertility.

“Infertility is a very sensitive topic for some women who live with it, as it affects them mentally, physically and emotionally,” said Dr Liza Ling Ping, consultant obstetrician, gynaecologist, and fertility specialist.

“Even those who suffer from infertility don’t always share the same journey and experiences [with one another]; as such, it can feel like a very lonely, emotional rollercoaster ride no other person will be able to relate to.”

According to Ling, most couples who suffer from infertility may see it as a taboo subject and refrain from confiding in others. “Sometimes, talking about it with other mothers can feel like a cruel reminder of what they have been longing for.”

If you are struggling with infertility and the idea of Mother’s Day this weekend feels like a minefield of grief and loss, here are a few suggestions to help you cope.

1. Start with self-compassion

This means directing kindness and care to yourself, just as you would to others. Increasingly, research has shown that self-compassion can help reduce anxiety and increase resilience.

It pays to remember that infertility is a medical condition – it does not represent your worth as a human being. Practising empathy means avoiding harsh self-criticism so you can make room for coping with infertility as best as you can.

2. Seek support

It is important to realise you are not alone in your journey. While it can be hard to speak out about infertility, talking to others who are in a similar situation, or even supportive friends and family, can help you to process how you feel.

3. Acknowledge your feelings and plan ahead

Think about how you truly feel about Mother’s Day and how you’d like to spend it. Don’t feel guilty for saying no to family events or large celebrations if you feel these might be triggering for you.

You may instead choose to spend the day with your partner or friends – or even alone – to do something you personally enjoy to take your mind off things.

4. Have a digital detox

Social media can be also triggering with the endless posts on mothers and their children. Make use of temporary internet-blocking apps, most of which allow you to choose websites or platforms you’d like to avoid.

While completely shutting off the online world may not be feasible, even a partial digital detox can help create a safe space for yourself.

5. Celebrate the mothers in your life

Some women may find greater comfort in embracing the celebration and redirecting their energy towards their loved ones – after all, you can recognise your own pain while simultaneously appreciating others.

By focusing on honouring other mothers who enriched your life, including your own, you can encourage more positive associations with the day instead of negative feelings alone.

How you can help others

For those who know a family member or friend with infertility, here are some ways you can help them get through Mother’s Day.

1. Be present, and let them take the lead

“Every woman has their own experience of infertility, so there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to talking about it,” Ling said. “Some may want to express their hurt and pain, while others might prefer a distraction from their thoughts.”

As such, if you wish to support someone with their infertility, reach out and simply let them know you’re there for them.

At the same time, follow their cue as to how they’d like to spend the day – whether it’s sitting with their grief, or a fun, distracting day out.

2. Be an active listener

Active listening goes beyond simply listening to another person’s words. It includes paying attention to non-verbal cues, showing a genuine interest in what is being said, and avoiding judgement or unsolicited advice.

These are particularly important when talking about infertility as it can be a very personal and painful issue. Your friend or family member will appreciate simply having space to share and feel heard.

3. Acknowledge their experience

Acknowledging what they have been through is very important as it helps them process their loss and move on. Don’t minimise their feelings, or offer empty platitudes about the future, no matter how well-intentioned.

Even if you have no idea what infertility feels like, the best thing you can do is to simply recognise their hurt and pain.

4. Be mindful and sensitive

As excited as you are over spending this special day with your children, be sensitive when it comes to sharing this anticipation with someone who has infertility.

If they are a close family member or friend, respect their wishes if they prefer to be home rather than attend a Mother’s Day dinner.

If you have news of a pregnancy to share with them, do so in a gentle and honest manner. Also, it’s best that they hear it directly from you rather than through a social media announcement.

This Mother’s Day, take time to celebrate motherhood in all its forms – from those living with infertility, and those grieving the loss of a child, to those who have played a parental role to others without being parents themselves.