For families that have more than one child, watching your young ones play together can be a heartwarming experience… that is, until they start to fight!
It can be stressful and upsetting when war breaks out between your kids, and especially so if they spend a lot of time indoors (remember the joy of lockdown? Cabin fever is a real thing!).
To keep the peace, here are some tips for parents to keep in mind.
1. Acknowledge the times they do play well together
Tears, cries and screams are usually directed at parents to get their attention and reaction. Most mums and dads respond by trying to get their kids to stop, but experts say giving them positive attention is more effective than changing their behaviour.
Pay attention to when your kids are playing nicely together. Acknowledge their efforts when you notice them resolving conflicts.
Praise them effectively using specific language; for example: “I saw the two of you sharing that toy. You’re both having so much fun playing together. Well done.”
2. Treat them fairly, not equally
In one’s quest to avoid favouritism, one often works hard to treat kids equally. They get the same amount of screen time, two scoops of ice cream each, the same number of house chores every day, and so on.
But is this really fair? Children are unique with different needs, and should be treated accordingly.
Always make clear the reason for an “unfair situation”. Empathise with the child’s feelings; for instance: “I understand you feel sad because you can’t have ice cream today when your siblings can. But you are unwell. You can have some when you get better.”
Life comes with its dose of disappointing moments. Make these moments opportunities for character building and to emotionally prepare them for the real world.
3. Help siblings come up with their own solutions
Getting your kids to solve their own disagreements develops perspective-taking and problem-solving skills. Plus, there’s the added bonus of you not having to play mediator all day.
Instead of dishing out solutions, work on building their ability to resolve conflicts independently:
- Narrate what you observe without judging or taking sides: “I see Noel crying and I see paint on his toy train. Sheela, I see paint on your hands. Would you like to share with me what happened?”
- Repeat the grievances from both sides back to your children. This gives them perspective and allows for empathy.
- Ask for your kids to come up with an amicable resolution.
You might need to provide prompts in the beginning but, with practice, your children will be able to use these conflict-resolution strategies by themselves.
4. Have fun family activities that encourage teamwork
Have lots of fun together as a family. Purposefully choose activities that involve cooperation, such as charades or team-based board games. When kids engage often in supportive behaviours during games, you can expect spillover effects into real life.
Even household chores can be turned into fun activities for young ones. Get them to work together towards a unified goal – for example, one child can wash the cutlery, while the other can dry them. Offer a little reward at the end to sweeten the deal.
5. Disable the labels
One way parents unknowingly pit kids against each other is by overusing labels. Constant comparison such as “the artsy one” or “the sporty one” is a surefire way to lead to feelings of envy and competition between siblings.
Instead of comparing your children, focus on building positive attributes. Cheer on behaviour that demonstrates cooperation, support, caring and kindness. Get your young ones to root for each other rather than compete for your approval.
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This article was written by Elaine Yeoh for makchic, a Malaysian-based online site for chic, curious, and spirited parents. makchic and has been providing trustworthy and authentic family-related content since 2013. For diverse stories of parenthood that inform, support, and uplift all families, visit makchic.com and follow them on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.