Christmas may be dubbed “the most wonderful time of the year” with visions of shiny, colourful baubles on Christmas trees, mistletoe and wine and long tables filled with every festive food imaginable.
With holiday movies playing on TV and Christmas carols in the air, what’s there not to love?
But wait!
This vision of bliss can be shattered when snarky family members and or green-eyed monster cousins crawl out of the woodwork to ruin even the best-laid plans.
Here are seven types of people you may dread meeting but will nevertheless be forced into small talk with this Christmas…
1. The ‘conspiracy theory’ uncle
Every family is stuck with that uncle (or aunt) who spends way too much time forwarding fishy-sounding WhatsApp messages about the world being flat or Covid-19 being a figment of one’s imagination.
If you’re lucky, you’ll only have to hear him drone on for five minutes or so. But if you find yourself seated next to him at the dinner table, you’re definitely in for a long night of outlandish theories passed off as fact.
Remedy: run for your life the first chance you get.
2. The ‘Masterchef judge’ auntie
Spent hours slaving over dinner for your family of 12? She’ll be the first to dismiss your efforts with a snide comment about the food.
She won’t just stop there. She’ll have something cynical to say about all your life choices – from relationships to career and even your weight.
You might be sorely tempted to stab her with a carving knife – but don’t. She’ll be out of your hair before the night is up.
Remedy: take a large gulp of wine and count down the hours to her departure.
3. The sports enthusiast
He’s the uncle who’s happy to let everyone else dominate the conversation at the table because when it comes to the television, he’s the king of the remote control.
Oh, and don’t expect him to play Christmas movies or music videos on MTV. This uncle makes sure the TV is stuck on sports channels – football, golf, tennis – you’re in for the long haul.
Guarding the remote control like a hungry dog guarding his bone, your only bet at snatching it away is when he’s passed out after dinner.
Remedy: serve him extra-large helpings of every dish on the table.
4. The ‘dumpster diving’ cousin
Got leftover Christmas food? ‘Dumpster diving’ cousin has already anticipated this outcome and shown up to your home with plastic containers and saran wrap at the ready.
Be prepared for the entire contents of your fridge to be cleaned out before the night is over.
Also don’t be surprised if her accomplice is non-other than ‘Masterchef judge’ auntie, who despite the cutting comments on your “insipid” food, is happy to feast on it in the coming days.
Remedy: pat yourself on the back for not having to eat leftovers for one week.
5. The ‘meet-my-latest-girlfriend’ brother-in-law
“I’m going to bring my girlfriend that I met three weeks ago.”
Yup, everyone has that super excitable brother-in-law who drags his every new girlfriend to an intimate family gathering.
Watch in fascination as she either tries her best to make a good impression or scowls in a corner because she finds everyone in your family rather uncouth.
Remedy: Chill… you’re likely never to see her again.
6. The ‘over-achiever’ cousin
She’s the one with the Instagram-perfect social media. She has all the trappings of a successful life – luxury car, dreamy six-foot model-looking fiancé, glamourous career, perfect house, jet-setting lifestyle.
Why do you despise her? She takes every opportunity to rub her perfect life into your face.
Who cares about her next trip to Turkey? Or how she’s to marry on some private island by the crashing waves at sunset?
Remedy: the fantasy is probably more in her head than in her reality – so keep your head down and just get on with the dinner you’re preparing.
7. The cheap, lazy sloth
Then there’s the sister-in-law who never lifts a finger or spends a cent when she stays with you over the Christmas holidays.
She’ll probably eat you out of house and home but you can’t ask her to pitch in because after all, she’s a guest.
Thinking of running? It’s too late to skip out on this year’s Christmas dinner.
Remedy: next year, consider a trip to Bali where you can spend Christmas relaxing in a villa overlooking the beach, sipping endless pina coladas WITHOUT her by your side.