Malaysians’ famously monstrous relationship with food manifests itself in a buffet of raunchy ways – but none is more criminal, more borderline immoral, than our unspeakable fixation on improvised ‘comfort foods’. Interrogate any Malaysian on what their basic, go-to emergency household ‘snack’ is, and only on condition of anonymity and police protection will they reveal their routine, over-the-sink crimes against gastronomy. From raw cooking ingredients, to randomly-mixed foodstuff not meant to even share the same kitchen cabinet space – the obscene menu of Malaysians’ guilty pleasure tidbits would send la-di-da gourmands running for the hills, peeing themselves.

It begins, for everyone, in the same unspectacular way – they’re sitting at home, minding their own business, when they’re ambushed by a titanic attack of the munchies. They tear through the house, scouring their kitchen, car glove compartment, rat traps and the spaces between their sofa cushions for edible material – to no avail. There are actually perfectly good rice and lauk sitting forlornly under the tudung saji, but they’re craving something sexier, something more gastronomically daring (because they live dangerously). They’re not exactly famished – merely in need of oral stimulation (no snark, please!), or their sweet tooth is throwing a tantrum, or they’re just profoundly bored (and playing congkak just won’t cut it).

So they take another desperate gander at their kitchen’s nooks, crannies and tile grouts, and begin to survey everything they find with a more open (and unhinged) mind. They begin to see possibilities, stick exploratory fingers into vaguely familiar jars, and tentatively lay their tongue on anything that doesn’t move. Amidst the sacrilege, something sort of clicks – and a culinary perversion is born. (This narrative is based on the scandalous anecdotes of conscience-stricken, pixelated-faced friends and colleagues, and the writer’s pathological tendency to project his own bestial impulses onto others).

What follows is an alarming police line-up of improvised comfort foods barbarically partaken in by Malaysians on a tragically routine basis:

Milo powder

The go-to, always-at-hand ‘exotic delicacy’ of the desperate, the down-and-out, and the slightly bonkers.
Mode of consumption: Eaten dry from a bowl (like oats) or straight from the can; or licked off a spoon.
Taste: Like caviar (nah – but pretty good)

Milo Maggi
Proof of an imminent Apocalypse, this gourmet favourite probably came into being following a catastrophic accidental spillage (who would have mixed them on purpose?!)
Mode of consumption and taste: View the following snuff film starring the masochistic DJs of Red.FM:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=-OyOhSZ876M

Sour plum/’asam boi’ powder
Delightfully cocaine-like in appearance (and effect), this comes in handy when your mouth’s too lazy to accommodate larger solids.
Mode of consumption: Via saliva-wetted finger, to which the powder attaches; and inhalation (if you’re brave).
Taste: Face-scrunchingly rad

Canned condensed milk
The gangsta way of maintaining your body’s calcium levels.
Mode of consumption: Sipped, like from a soda can (etiquette, people!)
Taste: Kinda meh, but it’s good for you (not really)

Cake sprinkles

Forget the fruitcake you were going to make – this is the equivalent of an IV saline solution drip when your sweet tooth is acting up.
Mode of consumption: Tipped into mouth, straight from container
Taste: Pretty OK (but not like cake by the ocean)

Raw anchovies/ikan bilis

While peeling apart and disemboweling fresh-from-the-market anchovies, as many of the critters somehow end up in your mouth as they do in your sieve.
Mode of consumption: Stealthily, because this is kind of sick
Taste: Not too bad

Plain cornflakes/Coco Puffs
Because milk is just too wet.
Mode of consumption: Popped into mouth like candy
Taste: Awesome

Pickled chili
The baddest-a** comfort food, but a great, eye-watering pick-me-up.
Mode of consumption: Straight from the jar, bad-a** honey badger-style
Taste: Yowzah!

Plain jam/fruit preserve

Because spreading jam on bread is just too mainstream.
Mode of consumption: Licked from a spoon, or scooped up with fingers from the jar (like a man!)
Taste: Tooth-crumblingly rich, but excellent

Ice cream cones

A consolation for when you discover you’ve just run out of ice cream (at least, it starts out that way)
Mode of consumption: Nibble from any end, like a love letter.
Taste: Surprisingly tasty (in a soul-crushing way)

Ketchup/tomato sauce
Not from bottles (we’re not savages, for heaven’s sake), but from miniature takeaway packets from fast food joints.
Mode of consumption: Sucked out from a torn end, like a boss
Taste: Not too shabby

Margarine or butter, with sugar
Radioactively unhealthy, but a cinch to slap together
Mode of consumption: Like cake mix or mashed potato
Taste: Pretty satisfying

Whipped cream (from pressurized can)

The mother’s mother of all ‘poor man’ comfort foods.
Mode of consumption: Sprayed straight into mouth, while waving one arm in the air like you just don’t care
Taste: Super!

Fine sugar
For when you’ve hit rock bottom, and need to recognize you have a problem (but not just yet)
Mode of consumption: Via a saliva-wetted finger, by the teaspoonful, or snorted (if you’ve got nothing to lose)
Taste: Sweet (duh!)

Honourable mentions:

· Frozen milo
· Peanut butter
· Cheese sandwich slices
· Godok Pisang paste
· Canned fruit cocktail
· Cake mix/cookie dough
· Sambal belacan
· Olives
· Maggi noodles seasoning powder
· Honey
· Sesame seeds